Grateful living involves a healthy portion of total appreciation for the life that I have. In order to live and have an attitude of gratitude, I cannot cherry pick from my life, I must be grateful for it all.
I remember telling a friend that I am a pretty, consistent person regarding my attitude and demeanor with the exception of the ways and means of my first-born. Because my firstborn is so very dear to me, I often give and allot too much of myself to her. A simple phone call concerning Kaylon’s well-being or lack thereof, can quickly send me spiraling into the abyss. Too much power for another human being, I am fully aware and of late, I’ve learned to balance my motherly emotions. No one, and I mean no one, should have such power over another human being.
However, my firstborn’s life and story is not without many elements which often warrants such a response.
Nearly, four years ago, at eighteen years of age, Kay came out as lesbian. And, just as I was moving in acceptance of her life and choices; one year ago, Kay came out as transgender male. Kaylon Nichole is now, Kaylon Nico. Deep breaths. Slow-ly.
I’m an advocate for love is love and gender equality but with my own, honestly, I wasn’t altogether prepared for the news. Since the news of her gender status, I am trying to accept Kay for who she is. Yet, I’ve told her that I need time. Time to digest it all. The pronouns, the testosterone. The physical changes. The mental changes for everyone. Pretty- please, time.
But still, one may ask, was I aware of any of these things during her upbringing and my answer is similar to most in these cases, people (and parents) see what they want to see.
However, transgender male? No, not at all. Looking back, Kay was never a fan of dresses much but I thought, took pride in her tall, shapely figure and thick, long flowing hair. She even modeled professionally for nearly four years for the likes of Neiman Marcus’ seasonal fashion shows and Christian Siriano. Beat- face, glam sessions and a fierce, badass walk, elegantly stomping in six-inch designer heels.
But still, Kaylon Nico is happier as a male. And, who I am to want otherwise. To say otherwise. Kay is ever mine. My kid, my beloved, firstborn. Nothing changes that. Love is unconditional and most importantly, love never fails.
Daily, I try to remember that Kay needs me as her Mom and that’s what I am and what I will always be. Still, I have my days when I sit quietly with tears streaming. And, I wonder why I’m crying…
And then, I realize I cry because the sweet, baby daughter that I carried, birthed and raised, is no more. Deep breaths. Slow-ly.
Yet, I am reminded that Kay is still living, still breathing, still thriving… and then, I began to count my blessings once again.
~ Grateful Badass
**Sharing as therapy**
Grateful Living, Badass Style.
**** Writer’s Note: I have permission from Kaylon to share this post. A post which is probably the hardest for me to sit and write and share. I share because I must. This is my story, this is my life, transparency is my friend. I’m fully aware that it will be shunned by most, but helpful for a few. I share for myself and for those few. ~GB
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